I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I've been captured and held for ransom. The good news is that I've finally been able to break the silence and have been permitted to interview my captors.
Silence me no longer!!
I'll set the stage.
So they've taken me to their lair, nestled snugly somewhere in "The Valley".
A little town, it's got about 200 people and 1 BAR. Yes, only one and it's called The Seething Donkey.
I'll let you think on that.
Since I got thrown in here, I'm going to make good use of my time and do a little reconnaissance work as a favor to all you ladies out there and candidly interview all the hot, young and upcoming musicians that have congregated to make this a little slice of history. I can tell you now folks, this is going to be raw and it's not going to be pretty.
(Prudish or those easily offended by occasional foolishness or playful banter should be cautious from here on out. This is not about world politics or religion. For an interesting nugget on that, read this.)
Stephen Buckle, producer extraordinaire and co-pioneer of the recent band "Fool Moon" and their controversial first album "The Healing" sits back on his knees disarmingly. A glass of tequila sits EMPTY in his hands.
At 24, "Stuffer", as he likes to be called by his friends is a charmingly intense man. His brown shirt and loose fitting khakis accentuate..... the colorful thread-dreads in his sandy blonde hair. He leans forward further, and smiles accomodatingly.
Me: So, Stephen, start us off right. What's your favorite breakfast cereal?
Stuffer: Well, as you can see from my nickname, Liz -- I don't eat cereal. I prefer a good bratwurst to begin MY day.
Me: Hmm, very interesting. File that away for psychological analysis. Speaking of screwing, have you ever made embarassing noises while love-making?
Stuffer: Nobody cares about this Liz.
Me: Fine, kill my fun. We'll get back to that. Let's be boring for a minute. How many times a day do you masturbate...ahahha, I'm kidding, just testing you. Who inspired you to be a producer?
Stuffer: Well I will answer your first question with a question of my own (pause for Blue Steel...) What is the sum of 12 times itself, divided by 24? While you ponder that, I will answer your 2nd question.
I'd have to say God is my biggest inspiration yes. Mostly, because he produces heavily.
Next, I would have to say Jesus because he's God's son and pretty much is taking over the business as far as I can see. From what I hear He's learning fast.
Lastly, Pedro (AKA Gavin to all you Americans) in Brazil because he's got long hair & looks like Dave Grohl who rocks, so thats cool in my book. Man I wish I could write songs like Pedro, I wouldn't have to kidnapp Liz for ransom. And she doesn't have any money, so it looks like I'm gonna have to actually pay someone to get rid of her. Any takers? The woman is crazy, I tell you...crazy.
[Note from Editor: I can confirm that.]
Me: Oh. Oh boy....that IS a lot....um...so you get your inspiration in the shower mainly, I'm surmising?
Stuffer: (Chuckles softly and refills his glass) Do you ever wonder why it goes so high into falsetto at the end of "Under the Olive Tree"?
Me: (Not sure I like the direction this interview is going...) What are you most excited about in working with all these talented musicians? What are your hopes for this venture?
Stuffer: I'd have to say that we're most excited about the possibilities that lie in wait (like roaring lions) if we stay tight and focused. By which I mean, if Liz stays tight and we stay focused. Ha. Don't worry, Liz, I'm only kidding.
Liz looks nervous and not a little like a rabbit with a foot caught in a forest trap. Squeaking for mercy and scrabbling with it's little front paws, trying to get a hold on the ground to pull itself out but the dry leaves keep slipping around making it hard for it to get a firm....
By the way, Liz is drinking all the tequila (or tequillie as it would be said, if the Damn Frenchies had their way).
[Note from Editor: Am not.]
Me: You're a cheeky boy. And insulting to boot. But you've got nice kneecaps, I'll let you go with a stern warning. I'm guessing we can move on past the boring now. Tell our esteemed readers what most excites you about a woman?
Stuffer: (Shifts pensively and lets out a loud, "UMM...") Good one, Liz! I guess you could say, I like a woman who enjoys a hefty Kielbasa for lunch. And then is up for some tasty Kosher Dill in the evenings.
Also! I love it when a girl is comfortable with her self enough to know EXACTLY what to do when it's 7:30 in the morning and she's on a couch with nothing but a blanket and her imagination. Yes. While pretending to listen intently to a sermon on priorities.
Wow... my Schwanzesser is wide awake now.
Me: Boy, that was detailed. I'm guessing YOU have a good imagination. So more about yourself, how do you rate American girls as opposed to Canadians?
Stuffer: American girls know how to walk like none other. They can also dance like there's no amanha. And that is damn sexy -- never underestimate a girl who can dance.
I just want to say that I want to make-love to American girls. But I want to have sex with Brazilian girls, and schtup Swedish girls. But here's the thing.... I also want to make-love to Canadian girls. They are sexy and can hold their alcohol like you wouldn't believe.
I will make-love to them all.
Me: (scooting further away while smiling broadly) sooooo, Steve (I purr) before we close this interview do you have some parting words for the world?
Stuffer: (Leans back with a weighty pause and then begins:)
Hmm...mmm..(looks around room, rubs eye, rocks back and forth)
I watched Chicago the other day. It was very inspirational and I want to tell you all that someday I'm going to make a musical, with Liz (if she dares). I believe that music and film are 2 of the highest forms of art, and I would like to combine the 2. So keep a lookout, we may surprise you. In the meantime keep making-love (you know I will).
Liz: Hmm. Thank you, Stuffer, for your time and excellent insight.