diary of a cat

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. I must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repel these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 770
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 773
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Comments

Anonymous said…
GOD i love cats!!!!
Anonymous said…
Brilliant, Liz.
Florence said…
Cats are only fun when they're evil and you can read their minds.
Liz said…
I don't wanna be harrangued night and day with worried pet owners so don't spread the word but yes, I'm freakishly mind-sensitive to these things.
Obviously your cat has lived with you too long and is starting to view you as a prospective mate. Be flattered but firm. Cat's have sensitive feelings.
Anonymous said…
This is hilarious. How'd you come up with the idea?
Anonymous said…
Pets:

Women love cats.

Men pretend to love cats, but kick them when no-ones looking.
Anonymous said…
I'll kick you when nobody is looking.
Anonymous said…
hey lay off my friend luch. i got me a .45 and a shovel. i doubt any1 will miss u. snicker.
Liz said…
haha...
wait.

was that directed at me?
Anonymous said…
Liz did you really write that? I read it way back on netlinkup and thought it was brilliant-- who's the author?
Liz said…
Lord no. it's a cult classic.

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