(Book excerpt from National Bestseller: Any Given Day in the Life of Girl-Star-Child Lizz de Gaalon)
[warning: contains material that could offend. NOT for the faint of heart]
....the house was quiet after the Mother and Father left. Too quiet. I hope it doesn't stay like this the whole week they're gone.
"I'm sure I can handle things." I had so confidently assured them.
Now I'm having second thoughts. A dark premontion settles over me.
Maybe it's the sight of one of the children trying to ride the family Labrador like a quarter-machine at the local Food Lion, pummeling it's flanks and pulling out fistfuls of fur.
Maybe it's the hysterical giggling emanating from the Pre-Adolescent(Ditzy)youngster as she chats with her pre-adolescent menfriends(Creeps). --ps. if you're reading this, watch yourself.
Could be the house in post-war dissarray, the pizza burning in the oven....no, it's nothing.
Suddenly, my ears prick up (yes, they do that)as I catch a faint, yet poignant whiff of fresh feces. All 5 of my keenly honed senses immediately spring into action as I see, taste, touch, hear and smell my way down the hall.
The stench is stronger now, permeating, pungent, pervasive. My eyes water, I begin to feel faint. I stumble on. Bravely. Determined to find and abolish this unwelcome stench. Dreading what I may find.
I see now the trail of the miscreant...little droppings...like breadcrumbs (only, SO SO not) leading me Straight to the scene of the crime.
There I'm confronted with (name changed to protect identity)Little Larry Looseguts trying to erase the evidence of his mishap off the seat and sides of our toilet with..
My Bath Towel.
Words cannot describe, so they won't.
(stay tuned for: "The Adventures of the Severed-Thumb")