8.2.05

Ranting

I've been thinking much the past couple weeks. Thousands of thoughts and emotions have crossed and recrossed through my head. Some flitting in for only minutes, some lasting hours, some days..some making themselves a home in my head.
I've sat back and wandered, a myriad of trails, I can trace them beginning to end like tracks in a deep forest. It seems my brain is always ticking, I can't remember it being silent. Even in sleep, I'm barraged by experiences, feelings, options.

So I'm going to rant:)

Foremost, I'm going to talk about the "news item".
The first and briefest reaction I had was one of stunned interest. Admittedly, I wanted to know more --and the details.
Secondly, I felt fear. A strong, tangible fear of being alone. (I was alone.)
Thirdly, and most pronounced, it was replaced by anger. Anger that I should be made to feel feer. Anger that I should feel fear because of my lifes' beliefs. And anger that anyone would Dare threaten my family and those I love.

So, I sought solace in knowledge. I researched everything and anything I could on the subject. I looked for reasons, the hidden psyche, the simple solution.
I searched for something I could touch, I could explain, I could defend. What I found was two sides of a coin, the same coin. I found the familiar and I found the fairy tale. I found questions, reasons, love, hate, malignment, and verity. I found the down-and-dirty scoop, and the glossy flowers-and-rainbows.
I found nothing.

And then I looked deeper. I looked at myself.

I delved within my heart. My faith if you will. Faith is a term, widely used and widely understated. It means a confident belief in the truth, value or trustworthiness of a person, thing, or in my case - an idea. And the irrevocable conclusion I've come to is: (and I don't think you'd expect less of me) that I am so, so proud of what I live for. Where I stand, by the grace of God, I can do no other.
And that's what it boils down to, isn't it? The grace of God? It's what everyone's going to have to be subject to, and at least I'll know I strove for the highest I knew.

Sorry. That was my rant.

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