28.2.05

my girl. my blindside.

I want to say something about my sister. Because, well, because I never do. I don't like to talk about her because it seems cheap. but, please.
humor me.

I know, where you've gone I can't follow, I know.
I cry but it's all very, very selfish. I cry for everything I miss about you. For all my faults and all your mistakes. For all I adored in you. For the way I miss even the things I couldn't stand about you. Now that takes something, I'll tell you. Time heals nothing, (and that --I'll tell you for certain).

I miss telling you my secrets and agreeing on things no one else would. I miss your predictably corny jokes and ditzy laugh, your favorite songs that I couldn't bear to hear and the beautiful way you sang them. The way you copied how I drew my dead trees, my guitar and everything else I did -- only doing it better. I miss the way you cared so much but not how I cared so little. I miss the way you'd smile for our mutual benefit but not the way I'd play it down.

I miss running around our room in only our skins, you teaching me the fine art of somersaulting into bed, how you'd laugh till you were out of breath at my foolish stunts, and the way I'd do them again to see you keel over (even when it hurt). The way we curled up, side by side in bed, hands under each others' cheeks, when we had something really important to say. I miss the way people compared us but not the way I hated it. I miss saying sorry to you, I miss being wrong.

I miss screaming out our favorite songs in your dumb car, the one we'd fight over who would drive. Listening to box car racer on your cd player that never worked when I messed with it. Driving for hours in the pouring rain, with the radio on and laughing about our humiliations, our insecurities, and coming up with our own defense. Driving 90 mph the whole way back from Georgia in nothing but our underwear, sticking our tongues out at elderly citizens in their car-boats. I miss feeling like you were me.

I miss kissing you. I miss the the deals we made,(I'm keeping them, by the way), how I condescended towards you but wanted what you had. I miss you getting under my skin and the brilliant way we'd make up for when we were apart. I miss our inside jokes and how we'd overcompensate for our lacks, and dragging out the days. I miss you having my back and I, yours. We were invincible, weren't we?

For the life of me, I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins. We were merely freshmen.

I could've made you better. I could've healed you. Given the chance I could have crawled inside you and pushed out all the evil, all the tubes, the pressure, the pain. Did you see me yelling? Did you see me fighting for you because, for once, you couldn't? Did you see me dying when you did? I curled up next to you like we always did, slipping a hand behind your neck, so familiar but you were a million miles away and a tear rolled down your cheek. It's because you knew i was there, right? I swear it was.

She was mine, I was hers. And there's nothing I could say that would make you understand.

and God knows I love you with all my heart.
I'm sorry.

3 comments:

crazynik said...

wow, that was beautiful. It almost made me cry. You put your emotions in to words so well.

Anonymous said...

I don't know either of you but that was a gorgeous post.

Kristina said...

Your words have left me with tears running down my cheeks. Very genuinly written.